A Reluctant Review of Annabelle

Okay, the internetz must truly hate me or love to torture those with pediophobia (a fear of dolls). This week’s PZ Poll winner is Annabelle. I’ll admit I was curious to watch this film since hearing about it at FanExpo 3 years ago. They did an incredible job marketing the film, even touring the actual doll across differen’t conventions, and yes, it’s as creepy in person as it is in the film!

I thank all who voted, but I am sending you all creepy dolls for your birthdays as payback (insert evil laugh).

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Set in the early 70’s, the imagery is fun, I absolutely love seeing old cars and clothing, taking me back to an era I never lived in. For some reason setting it in the past also makes it creepier, and good thing too, because it’s really not all that creepy (I know right? You wanted to scare me and failed! Ha!). I feel the a lot of the imagery (especially the religious imagery)  in this film is done to mimic movies like The Omen and Rosemary’s Baby and The Exorcist. The film wants to remind us of a classic time in horror history, but I didn’t feel it delivered; it felt a lot like it was borrowing rather than making it unique.

The movie really takes off when John buys a doll for his pregnant wife, Mia. One that she’s been looking to add to her collection of already creepy dolls (Did I mention I hate dolls?) The same night she receives the doll the neighbours are murdered and Mia is stabbed in the belly by two strangers in white robes, who they later find out are part of a very deranged cult.

*Gets really spoiler-riffic from here on in*

After the incident Mia can’t shake the feeling that she’s not safe in her house, but it’s more than just trying to forget the cult attack. The doll seems to wander. Rocking chairs are already creepy, and dolls on rocking chairs definitely creepier #teamnosleep!

Mia wants to get rid of the doll and her husband sends Annabelle to the trash bin.

Rule to possessed items: If you throw something away and it comes back, definitely burn it!

The next incident in the house is something I like to call the Jiffy Pop Attack. The spirit in the house decides to turn the stove on and make some Jiffy Pop for itself. This causes fire and creates lots of smoke (which really made me laugh because why Jiffy Pop? Who dies from a Jiffy Pop fire?)  The evil spirit is trying to suffocate momma and baby, something invisible even tries to drag Mia back into the kitchen. But creepy doll fails, the baby is born, and both are safe. Mia’s only request is that they never return home, she fears the home is cursed and I can’t blame her.

Eventually they do revisit the home, because time seems to make people forget. The doll is mysteriously back (no surprise). They don’t stay, but take the doll back to their apartment (forehead slap).

This is when things get creepier, Mia starts seeing things, a little girl running about, a demon, and guess what? No one believes her, except Evelyn (Alfre Woodard), who also lives in their building and seems to know an awful lot about the occult. I half hope to see Luke Cage make an appearance alongside Evelyn (Who also plays Mariah on the hit show), perhaps he’s strong enough to kick demon ass too 😉 but that’s just me drifting off into geekery, let me re-focus…Evelyn tells Mia that the presence is a demon looking for a soul, and the cult had most likely used the doll to summon it. Dang, it seems like everyone is an expert in demonology.

I found it hard to take this film seriously and place it very closely to Chucky, it’s kinda funny but not as funny as Chucky. I will admit I crapped my pants a bit when the doll gets up on its own, but then the Maleficent looking monster behind it is just too hilarious.

Now comes the time to call a priest, who offers to take the doll to his church, hoping it will weaken the demon. But the demon proves much too strong and he never makes it into the church. He’s knocked unconscious, and John finds him at the hospital, warning him of the evil doll on the loose. The Priest knows Mia will offer her soul to save the baby. John rushes home to save his wife, who’s ready to jump to her death, but Evelyn decides to take her place, leaving their little family intact. It felt like a bit of a cop-out in my opinion.

If anything this film had me longing for an avocado green home phone, some jiffy pop, a retro car and perhaps to create a hipster protest group against dolls ha ha ha.

The film, not scary, not great, and a tad forgettable (even for a doll-a-phobe like me) The true horror is actually here: http://www.inquisitr.com/1519230/annabelle-movie-real-doll-revealed-the-true-story-behind-the-horror-movie-photos/

Yep, you read that right, this is all based on a true haunted doll tale, and Raggedy Ann no less? Then there’s no wonder why I never liked Raggedy Ann dolls. I won’t lie about one thing, the Netflix film kept stopping, and my laptop is turning on and off music as I type this, there is something definitely saying don’t watch this film lol, now if it’s because it’s full of some odd evil truths, or simply bad, I’m not sure ha ha. I pray for the latter. Either way, I’m off dolls for life, no more doll movies for me! *hides*

I give this film 2 out of 5 Zombies.

The doll was much creepier than the film itself and I felt the plot seemed a little thrown together.

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Stay tuned for next week’s PZ Poll! I hope you’ll vote again 😉

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